rambles of questionable note-worthiness
contrary to the image i had of myself in my late-teens through to my mid-twenties, i now know that as well as being extremely self-involved, i'm not very deep or complicated and my world is shaped by the inconsequential and trivial - i wish i had a mind that could remember more than just facts about movies, music, tv and whatever fictional literature i happen to be reading at any given time - i might have done better at tests and exams if i could have applied the same amount of memory retention to the academic subjects i studied as i could to large tomes i read on horror films or comedy series or remembering the highest chart positions reached and number of weeks 45 inch singles from my youth spent in the charts or which cds from the penguin books of classical music and jazz were awarded a rosette and so merited my buying them in large amounts or lyrics to songs or quotes from witty people....
unfortunately academia passed me by as my learning ability peaked in my third year at secondary school when i was about 14 - things started going slowly downhill from then on - at this point by way of an explanation, the kate bush track, 'sat in your lap,' springs to mind, where the character in the song puts her lack of learning and acquisition of knowledge down to an unwillingness to expend energy - maybe that can be applied to me or maybe it's my inability to take life completely seriously
over the years i've shifted blame for my underachievements onto various parties - my family for basically letting me do exactly what i wanted when i was growing up - my teachers for either not being very engaging when presenting their subjects or just appearing downright vindictive and child-hating - my friends for distracting me by offering more enjoyable pursuits - bbc and itv for seducing me with a parade of visual images i could sit blankly in front of - the odeon and abc cinemas in norwich for showing a ridiculous amount of films at times when it was easy to watch them - and more recently, the internet for pumping music, movies and quite a considerable amount of pornography into my living space to distract me
i think, though, what it boils down to are two incontrovertible facts: 1. i'm not very clever... 2. i'm quite lazy when i have to do things in which i have no interest or enjoyment (thank god i chose a profession which, on the whole, i find interesting, very enjoyable and satisfying)
to illustrate the stream of inconsequential nonsense that constantly passes through my mind here are some thoughts i had during an hour or so of cardio-vascular activity in the gym yesterday as i jogged along on the treadmill and bounced up and down on the elliptical contraption, that's a bit like skiing, with the cable from my new earphones jiggling around, the colour of which can only be described as fluorescent green radioactive vomit - but it matches the colour of the number displays on the various machines and it's easily lit up by car headlamps if you happen to be jogging down a dark road in the middle of the night dressed in mourning...
i recall the only time i ever made one of my teachers shake with laughter when she asked my class where the andes were and i called out 'on the end of your wristies' - i was surprised that this comment affected her the way it did as it's such an ancient joke - and i've been telling them ever since
what happened to lord lucan?
according to craig brown in his book '1966 and all that', lord lucan didn't completely disappear in the early seventies - he re-emerged a few years later as the lead singer of queen
the gamekeeper saying to the poacher he has caught stuffing a rabbit under his jacket, 'is that your own hare or is it a wig?'
who did you think was better - tiffany or debbie gibson?
as i would quite happily have buried both of them up to their necks in sand...heads first...this question only serves to bring back painful memories
malapropism - the man was suffering from the dreaded 'venetian disease'...he had a touch of the 'gondoliers'
favourite spoonerisms:
- i'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
- the lord god is a shoving leopard
- whitbread tankard (the letters haven't been reversed on this one yet)
my friend keeps getting leaflets through her door inviting her for cervical cancer screening - she thinks she's the victim of a smear campaign
the judge in a divorce case found it difficult to decide who the couple's children should live with until the husband, out of sheer frustration, poured a large bowl of trifle over the wife's head and she got custardy
'sisters are doing it for themselves' - the song by eurythmics which has been subtitled 'the wanking sisters' by many people over the years
a dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to santa
unfortunately academia passed me by as my learning ability peaked in my third year at secondary school when i was about 14 - things started going slowly downhill from then on - at this point by way of an explanation, the kate bush track, 'sat in your lap,' springs to mind, where the character in the song puts her lack of learning and acquisition of knowledge down to an unwillingness to expend energy - maybe that can be applied to me or maybe it's my inability to take life completely seriously
over the years i've shifted blame for my underachievements onto various parties - my family for basically letting me do exactly what i wanted when i was growing up - my teachers for either not being very engaging when presenting their subjects or just appearing downright vindictive and child-hating - my friends for distracting me by offering more enjoyable pursuits - bbc and itv for seducing me with a parade of visual images i could sit blankly in front of - the odeon and abc cinemas in norwich for showing a ridiculous amount of films at times when it was easy to watch them - and more recently, the internet for pumping music, movies and quite a considerable amount of pornography into my living space to distract me
i think, though, what it boils down to are two incontrovertible facts: 1. i'm not very clever... 2. i'm quite lazy when i have to do things in which i have no interest or enjoyment (thank god i chose a profession which, on the whole, i find interesting, very enjoyable and satisfying)
to illustrate the stream of inconsequential nonsense that constantly passes through my mind here are some thoughts i had during an hour or so of cardio-vascular activity in the gym yesterday as i jogged along on the treadmill and bounced up and down on the elliptical contraption, that's a bit like skiing, with the cable from my new earphones jiggling around, the colour of which can only be described as fluorescent green radioactive vomit - but it matches the colour of the number displays on the various machines and it's easily lit up by car headlamps if you happen to be jogging down a dark road in the middle of the night dressed in mourning...
i recall the only time i ever made one of my teachers shake with laughter when she asked my class where the andes were and i called out 'on the end of your wristies' - i was surprised that this comment affected her the way it did as it's such an ancient joke - and i've been telling them ever since
what happened to lord lucan?
according to craig brown in his book '1966 and all that', lord lucan didn't completely disappear in the early seventies - he re-emerged a few years later as the lead singer of queen
the gamekeeper saying to the poacher he has caught stuffing a rabbit under his jacket, 'is that your own hare or is it a wig?'
who did you think was better - tiffany or debbie gibson?
as i would quite happily have buried both of them up to their necks in sand...heads first...this question only serves to bring back painful memories
malapropism - the man was suffering from the dreaded 'venetian disease'...he had a touch of the 'gondoliers'
favourite spoonerisms:
- i'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy
- the lord god is a shoving leopard
- whitbread tankard (the letters haven't been reversed on this one yet)
my friend keeps getting leaflets through her door inviting her for cervical cancer screening - she thinks she's the victim of a smear campaign
the judge in a divorce case found it difficult to decide who the couple's children should live with until the husband, out of sheer frustration, poured a large bowl of trifle over the wife's head and she got custardy
'sisters are doing it for themselves' - the song by eurythmics which has been subtitled 'the wanking sisters' by many people over the years
a dyslexic devil worshipper sold his soul to santa
posted by Tallulah Showerhead at 6:19 AM
2 Comments:
ooh debbie gibson definitely
and the klf takes your side (ah haaa ah haaa), as he leaves for mu mu land on the last train to trans-central, feeling justified and ancient
Post a Comment
<< Home