pimp my carol - customised christmas songs

it’s quite odd what can drift into your mind when you sit on a comfy sofa (so good) in front of your laptop with a blank screen, frequently dipping into a bottle of fine aussie wine (now empty), with the beijing symphony orchestra alternating with early eighties synths on ‘fishing junks at sunset’ from jean michel jarre’s ‘the concerts in china’

so rather late, i’ve been getting into the christmas spirit (literally with the wine) and consigning my drunken festive thoughts to posteriority – i should say posterity but posterior seems more apt as what follows is a load of old arse...

for snorters of cocaine:
‘white christmas’

for hypothermia cases:
‘blue christmas’

for sir cliff’s alcoholic fan base:
‘christmas time,
meths ‘n’ turps and wine’

for retired prostitutes:
'happy christmas (whoring's over)'

for tony blair:
'lonely this christmas'

for euthanasia:
'last christmas'

for nude male joggers:
‘jingle balls’

for abductees:
‘away with a stranger’

for necrophiliacs:
‘merry christmas every body’

for congenital liers:
‘another cock and bull christmas’ (just like mr glitter’s defence evidence)

for neo-nazis:
‘god help ye jerry mental men’

for diminutive burglers
‘little saint nick’

for young conservatives:
‘oh come all ye hateful’

for abusive relationships:
‘knock ‘em around the christmas tree’

for pavlovian conditioning:
‘i heard the bells on christmas day’

for sado-masochists:
‘deck your balls with boughs of holly’

for vivisectionists:
‘i sawed three chimps with flailing limbs,
on christmas day, on christmas day’

for animal rights activists:
‘feed the world (ground-up glass in their baby food)’

for amnesiacs:
‘do they know it’s christmas?’

for power lifters on steroids:
‘ding! dong! merrily, i’m high,
good heavens my balls are shrinking!’

and finally with baited breath and neatly cut toenails, we await the release of delia smith’s naive christmas single:
‘i love a goose on christmas day’
and its flipside:
‘you can’t beat a good christmas stuffing’

the single will be released on boxing day to coincide with the opening of her new restaurant, ‘the flat cat’ on mousehold heath, norwich (portaloos not provided)