my october symphony

it always comes as a surprise when i find something new to do which then becomes an integral part of my day and gives me lots of opportunities to express myself in a psychological way - i wouldn't normally do this kind of thing as i don't have a great deal of confidence in my writing skills - but then a friend sent me an e-mail to say that it's alright to write down anything and now in private i'm blogging like a maniac - i guess that's the way life is (of course, if i were bilingual i could say 'se a vida e' and write in two very different languages)

i suppose i should consider it to have been a red letter day seventeen days ago when i wrote my first blog - being left to my own devices has made me quite introspective and i've actually written quite a lot and it hasn't been so hard to think of things to write, although i don't think that my efforts will ever pay the rent - some people reading the blogs might think i'm being boring and self-indulgent and say how can you expect to be taken seriously writing all that crap - but, sodom all, i say - i'm not scared of a bit of criticism - k. definitely thinks my blogs should be a bit more minimal as i tend to be a bit flamboyant with my language and this might leave some people feeling numb - when i've spent ages writing an entry he'll often ask me was it worth it - personally i think it's professional jealousy (perhaps i'll buy a t-shirt with 'i'm with stupid' on the front with an arrow pointing to him)

at the moment he's more interested about his tennant in robertson quay and whether he has the heart to ask whether he's going to step aside and release the property back to him - personally i think he's in denial - it's time to face the truth that our footsteps won't be making our way up those waterfalled condo steps for quite a while and we may well have to stay in surburbia for a few months - but like i keep telling him, it's not the end of the world and the guy doesn't have indefinite leave to remain so it won't be long until we're home and dry - and as i've often pointed out, it's better than living in london and doing that depressing drive past kings cross - that part of our journey to go shopping or immersing ourselves in the nightlife and dj culture of clubland with all the west end girls and boys, was always a lowe point - not like when we drove past st james' park with me dreaming of the queen

although i suppose i do miss the uk a bit - when i got on a plane at heathrow to fly to singapore for the first time i thought, this must be the place i waited years to leave - but i'm glad i gave it one more chance and went back there for two years - i suppose it's a sin really to feel that way about your home

i find it hard to believe that it's now been over seven years since k. asked why don't we live together and we moved into goldhill towers - it was a one in a million chance that we found such a nice place - in the past i always expected to remain single for my whole life - i suppose i was a fugitive from the emotional violence i saw in other people's relationships - i get along fine without it, i often thought to myself and the survivors of relationship break-ups always seemed so cynical - i never consciously said to myself, i want a lover, but when i met k., a strange metamorphosis happened to me - suddenly he was always on my mind and when he wasn't around i felt like casanova in hell - but i suppose it's true what they say that love comes quickly and when you least expect it - i often ask myself, what have i done to deserve this because for a lot of the people i've known in the past love is a catastrophe - i can't keep count of the number of people i've heard saying to their partners, you only tell me you love me when you're drunk, a few years down the line - usually during conversations like this i made my excuses and left - i'm hoping that the fundamental happiness i've found will, god willing, last until one of us moves closer to heaven

now i'll have to stop as sitting in front of this screen for so long is beginning to play tricks on my eyes and there's a domino dancing around my field of vision and i want to wake up a bit before i head out to tonight's halloween party, where, no doubt i'll be dancing to the latest hit music - i hope there'll be some guys from out of town there tonight as i can't remember the last time i danced with a new york city boy....